The pissy beer thief

This guy and I have history that started in 2002. Timing has never been right. I was younger, he was into other things. I moved away, or he moved away. I dated, he dated. He got married. He is in the process of getting divorced. I am single. He thinks it's our chance, now that we are both in the same town.

We don’t hang out as much. Let’s say the tension has always been there and it has always been awkward. I understand why his wife hated me since before they got married. Last time we saw each other months ago we ended up almost screaming at each other over his Peter Pan Syndrome he never found a cure for, and over how high maintenance I am when I tell him to be responsible with his job and to not ask me for money when he purchased a house where until recently lived with his now ex-wife.

I have a bad habit of forgiving people. And one day, he swung by my apartment to hang out, watch TV, and have some beers to catch up and tell me about his divorce.Although I knew at some point he’d want to make a move. I lied about being in my period and not brushing my teeth for days, and coughed and sneezed a lot. Anything to keep him at bay. I purposely did not wear makeup and stayed in my scrubs. It didn't matter. Compliments were flying out of his mouth like exorcist projectile vomit. He started asking for a chance after all these years, how he was going to take me on a daytrip, how we are going to have wine and steak, how we are so good together---you name it. If it was 2002, I’d sigh and say yes. But something I have mastered with him is my judgmental look. Yeah right. This is not a romantic comedy that 12 years later things work out. It’s just not.

Then things got interesting. 

After arguing over random shit and poking fun at each other, the beer in my bladder demanded an escape. “Get me another beer, I’m going to pee.” As I’m walking to the bathroom, he calls me out from the kitchen. When I turned around, there he was… almost recreating a Karate Kid pose as he let out a fart. Yes, a fart. And then a laugh. WTF. I call him disgusting names as I go in to take care of my business. As I come back out to the kitchen to see him wiping the floor I remind him how fucking disgusting he is. After 12 years, it seems like a good time to fart for the first time. “Oh come on! I’ve known you for forever! We’re cool! Don’t act like you don’t do it!” I suddenly thought of my sisters and the gross things I’ve done. That’s different. My farts are cute. Trying to block that out of my head and let it go, it’s just a fart, I grab the beer on the counter. The warmer than usual beer. “Why is the beer warm?” I asked him. “Oh, I pissed in the empty beer bottles.” I put it back on the counter. Two warm beers. And  my words came out as loud and mad as a Kraken. His excuse: His bladder would explode and pieces of dismembered body would be splattered on my apartment walls if he waited 2 minutes while I used the restroom. I had seen him wiping the floor, right? He laughed. This is top notch comedy to him. Somebody please give him an HBO comedy special. “You just killed all of your chances to make it work between us.” With that piss history, he’d probably pull an R. Kelly on me. I don’t want to risk that chance. “Get the fuck out. And take your bottles of piss with you.” As As he finally left, I saw him walk away with one of my bottles of beer in his pocket. New. My favorite beer. “Hey WTF do you think you’re doing? You fart in front of me, piss in my kitchen, AND you take a new beer with you without even asking me if it’s OK?” He puts the piss bottles down. “Calm down, I’ll pay you back”, he says. “When the fuck do you plan to? You came in here, and drank 3 of my –craft- beers, and want to take a 4^th one. You have never in these 12 years even bought me dinner, or beer, or anything.” I can afford a six-pack, but this was over the top. “Give me back that fucking beer or I’ll spill your piss on your face” I said as I bent down to pick up his piss bottle. He gave it back, muttered some words I didn’t give a shit about hearing, and left with his 2 pee bottles

I still can't believe that happened. Sometimes I laugh at how ridiculous my dating life is and how ridiculous some of these men I know are. My inner laugh is louder than the fake laughing crowd that plays during The Big Bang Theory. That tells you something. I also can't believe how big his bladder is. Two bottles? I can't even do half a cup when I'm asked to do it at the doctors.

the 12 year old kiss and other bad dates

So... I gave online dating another chance. After all, it has worked before. I must have gone on over 10 first dates in the last few months. Maybe too many for what I was used to. It gave me a headache sometimes to schedule these. I followed a friend's advice this time. I was advised to go out with the (1) guy who I would not normally look at more than once but showed interest in me and deserved a chance, (2) the average looking guy who I have a lot in common with and has a decent potential, and with (3) the hot guy who I think would normally think is out of my league. Although there are many stories worth sharing that happened during this online-dating period, some more ridiculous than the ones I will share on this post... I will only talk about these three.

1. I was cold with this one. He seemed very "blah" and a little too enthusiastic to know all about me. "How is your day? What are you doing? How is work? How was your weekend? Really? Why? Tell me more." The more annoyed I got by his enthusiasm, the more I saw myself in him. Oh my God... I can be just as annoying as him when I like someone. Let me give him a chance. After all, he won't shut up about it. I had the opportunity and I called the shots. "We are meeting at -this craft beer place- with a food truck outside so we can have dinner too." I see him walking in. First impression: I thought you were trying hard to impress me and convince me to go out with you. Why are you wearing long baggy shorts, with flip flops, a polo shirt, and a baseball hat? I was immediately turned off by having visual access to his toe hairs on the first date. I also wondered what was underneath that baseball hat. Oh my God, he probably has a bald spot. Should I tell him that these baggy shorts and oversized polo shirt makes it look like he's just a torso with feet and hands? I realized I was being a total bitch focusing on things that didn't matter. After all, I did brush my hair, put make up and perfume on, and wore my best booty jeans to impress. I caught him looking. Just like I also caught him playing dumb when ordering drinks. After what seemed like 10 minutes, I made up my mind about what hipster crafty beer I wanted to try, and he chose his. "It's x dollars for yours, y dollars for his," the bartender said while looking at me. I turned around to let my date know how much was his, I'm all for going Dutch... but I'm not into him turning completely around pretending the wall was suddenly very interesting. WTF? I nudged him. "Here's x dollars for mine, he's paying his," I said. And suddenly my date woke up and realized I wasn't paying for his drink. That happened twice that night. "So want to go outside? There's a food truck and I'm hungry" I asked him. "Nah, I'm not hungry". Suddenly annoyed, the best of my personality came out and said "Well, I'll be outside" and walked off. He later joined me and kept asking a lot of questions and agreeing with everything I said. He suddenly liked everything I liked. He suddenly started talking about our next date involving something that is about $50 to do. I lied and said I did not have money. I was turned off by the fact he did not offer to pay for a beer, why would I want to spend $50 on a date with someone I did not enjoy to be around. I never saw him or his baggy clothes again. But the mystery of the bald spot remains.
   
2. First impression: Hi, I kinda want to touch your arms and possibly lick every single one of your tattoos. By the way, I almost didn't come here but now that I'm here... your pictures don't do you any justice. You're like... the cool Austinite dude. Great job with a local festival organization, got the hookups, knew all about music and was very entertaining. First date, local craft cocktails where he said he would get the round, and after I insisted I convinced him to let me get the next. That worked out. I really enjoyed his company, and soon we made plans for our second date. He picked me up one day with breakfast and coffee... simple things like that win me over. We drove to a local brewery where we did not have much beer. We ordered a pizza. He got up to get beer, I gave him a 10 to bring me one. He comes back with my beer, and no change. Should I ask for my money? Is he paying himself back for the breakfast he brought me? I was confused. It was bothering me, The more I thought about it, the more annoying I found him calling me "dude, man". Also the more I noticed how often he interrupted me and how he never really asked me anything of subject. I felt like another guy even if he called me pretty plenty of times, he did not make me feel special at all. Later that night, he invited me out for karaoke with his friends. I did not text him back. I never heard from him again.
   
3. I was patient for this one. This man is sexy, older, experienced, and working abroad when I noticed him online. I gave him my number for whenever he made it back to town because I was closing my account. A month later, he was back, and he "made some time in his schedule to see me". We met at a cocktail bar. First impression: Holy fuck, hot damn, ladies and gentlemen...THIS IS A MAN, and one day I will climb that over 6 ft tall body. I remained casual as I smiled at him from a distance, walking to me to greet me with a hug. I was proud that I did my hair, wore my favorite lipstick, and chose to wear heels. Our styles matched... to me that was a good sign. I could understand why this man apparently did some modeling. We talked a lot about his job and his research, and it's not that he was talking non-stop, I just didn't have enough... I found him somewhat fascinating. The more he talked, the more turned on I felt. This man is PhD educated, talked many things I did not understand but impressed me, has traveled all around, and is doing a lot of the things I would love to do. Also, he did not let me pay for a drink. Impressed. I'm not going to lie, he totally checked plenty of boxes in my check-list. He's also bilingual. And gorgeous. What was planned as a 2 hour date because I initially told him I wanted to be home by 10, went on for 4 hours. I wanted him, He walked me to my car, and the awkward moment of discussing to do this again. Hugged goodbye, and I started to walk away disappointed, I walked back, got on my tip toes even in heels, and planted a shy quick kiss on his lips that would be considered cute in an awkward scene of a romantic comedy movie, but in reality it felt like I was 12 years old. He smiled, and I walked away embarrassed. In my mind I was playing this scene where he pulled me back and gave me a real passionate kiss, you know, not a 12 year old kiss. I got home to a text from him. A smile on my face, and a promise of a better kiss next time. 

So yes, I had plenty of first dates. Some good, some bad. Some more serious than the others. Some boring, some really fun. But the reality is, nothing has changed in these last few months.