This guy and I have history that started in 2002. Timing has never been right. I was younger, he was into other things. I moved away, or he moved away. I dated, he dated. He got married. He is in the process of getting divorced. I am single. He thinks it's our chance, now that we are both in the same town.
We don’t hang out as much. Let’s say the tension has always
been there and it has always been awkward. I understand why his wife hated me since before they got married. Last time we saw each other months ago we ended up almost screaming at each
other over his Peter Pan Syndrome he never found a cure for, and over how high maintenance I am when I tell him to be responsible with his job and to not ask me for money when he purchased a house where until recently lived with his now ex-wife.
I have a bad habit of forgiving people. And one day, he swung by my
apartment to hang out, watch TV, and have some beers to catch up and tell me about his divorce.Although I knew at some point he’d want to make a move. I lied about being in my period and not brushing my teeth for days, and coughed and sneezed a lot. Anything to keep him at bay. I purposely did not wear makeup and stayed in my scrubs. It didn't matter. Compliments were flying out of his mouth like exorcist projectile vomit. He
started asking for a chance after all these years, how he was going to take me
on a daytrip, how we are going to have wine and steak, how we are so good
together---you name it. If it was 2002, I’d sigh and say yes. But something I
have mastered with him is my judgmental look. Yeah right. This is not a
romantic comedy that 12 years later things work out. It’s just not.
Then things got interesting.
After arguing over random shit and poking fun at each other,
the beer in my bladder demanded an escape. “Get me another beer, I’m going to
pee.” As I’m walking to the bathroom, he calls me out from the kitchen. When I
turned around, there he was… almost recreating a Karate Kid pose as he let out
a fart. Yes, a fart. And then a laugh. WTF. I call him disgusting names as I go
in to take care of my business. As I come back out to the kitchen to see him
wiping the floor I remind him how fucking disgusting he is. After 12 years, it
seems like a good time to fart for the first time. “Oh come on! I’ve known you
for forever! We’re cool! Don’t act like you don’t do it!” I suddenly thought of
my sisters and the gross things I’ve done. That’s different. My farts are cute.
Trying to block that out of my head and let it go, it’s just a fart, I grab the
beer on the counter. The warmer than usual beer. “Why is the beer warm?” I
asked him. “Oh, I pissed in the empty beer bottles.” I put it back on the
counter. Two warm beers. And my words
came out as loud and mad as a Kraken. His excuse: His bladder would explode and
pieces of dismembered body would be splattered on my apartment walls if he
waited 2 minutes while I used the restroom. I had seen him wiping the floor,
right? He laughed. This is top notch comedy to him. Somebody please give him an
HBO comedy special. “You just killed all of your chances to make it work
between us.” With that piss history, he’d probably pull an R. Kelly on me. I
don’t want to risk that chance. “Get the fuck out. And take your bottles of
piss with you.” As As he finally left, I saw him walk away with
one of my bottles of beer in his pocket. New. My favorite beer. “Hey WTF do you think you’re
doing? You fart in front of me, piss in my kitchen, AND you take a new beer
with you without even asking me if it’s OK?” He puts the piss bottles down. “Calm
down, I’ll pay you back”, he says. “When the fuck do you plan to? You came in
here, and drank 3 of my –craft- beers, and want to take a 4th one.
You have never in these 12 years even bought me dinner, or beer, or anything.”
I can afford a six-pack, but this was over the top. “Give me back that fucking
beer or I’ll spill your piss on your face” I said as I bent down to pick up his
piss bottle. He gave it back, muttered some words I didn’t give a shit about
hearing, and left with his 2 pee bottles
I still can't believe that happened. Sometimes I laugh at how ridiculous my dating life is and how ridiculous some of these men I know are. My inner laugh is louder than the fake laughing crowd that plays during The Big Bang Theory. That tells you something. I also can't believe how big his bladder is. Two bottles? I can't even do half a cup when I'm asked to do it at the doctors.
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